1. dearjennie said: <3 Take care. I love you.
  2. eloiseonthewater said: you CAN do this! You do have control, the control to sit with Jenna, to focus on your surroundings or a task (colouring?). Keep as safe as Jenna wants to keep you, not what He wants xxx (obvs not talking god here..)

Thanks <3

I managed to keep safe. 

It’s not even just Him, it’s all the things. Like I have to deal with his shit, the fear that comes from disobeying him, be brave and not act on urges and managed other voices/images, eating and not acting on ed thoughts, dealing with therapy and the things I have to talk about there, memories, flashbacks, nightmares. 

It just feels like I’m trying to do everything, and something has to give because I’m not strong enough to do all this at once.  

I’m trying not to be too stressed about food but it’s hard. I have to have lunch not knowing what I’m doing for dinner and that causes me a lot of anxiety. 

Unknown calories and unplanned meals freak me out.

I’m trying to be brave and be okay with this. It’s part of recovery. But I don’t feel very pro-recovery right now.  

I can’t take this. 
I need to self harm. 
I feel so out of control. 

I had a subway sandwich for lunch today. All by myself. 
And I talked to my physio about the voices and she was really supportive. There has been good and bad today. Bad has been urges to burn from Him. Good has been the little boy being playful. 

I’m actually looking forward to dinner. 


the notebook problem: you see a notebook. you want to buy the notebook. but you know you have like TEN OTHER NOTEBOOKS. most which are STILL EMPTY. you don’t need to notebook. you’re probably not gonna use the notebook anyway. what’s the point? DONT BUY THE NOTEBOOK. you buy the notebook.


My brain needs to stop thinking losing weight will make me happy

My brain needs to stop thinking relapse will make everything better

Because it hasn’t
And it won’t

(Source: reinventingmysoul)

It’s not like I asked for this,
Because why would I ask
For years in hell,
And no way to crawl out
Of the prison that is your mind.

So don’t get mad when I slip,
Because walking
With a backpack full of demons,
Is often next to impossible.
But I’m trying, I swear.

I just wish you would see that,
and think of it as enough.

Just be proud of my successes…please… (Jaymee)

Dear future child
If it’s 3am and you find yourself in a world of complete despair
Please do not turn to strangers on the internet for solace as I did
Please climb onto my bed
And I will hold you until the demons sleep
If it is Thursday morning and you are too sad to move
I won’t force you
I will buy ice cream and we will watch your favourite tv show and I will remind you of your importance
If you feel as if you have no purpose
I will remind you that you were created entirely with love and every pain you feel, I feel too
When you’re sure you can’t go on anymore
I will tell you that when I was 21 I searched for peace at the bottom of a vodka bottle chased by a bottle of pain killers
But that five years later
When you were placed in my arms in the delivery room
I realised that you were why I had been holding on
Without realising it, you saved me, do you know how amazing that is?
So if you ever feel like grabbing that vodka bottle, put it down, we will get in the car and I will drive until the sky turns magenta
I will show you how the sun rises every morning to encourage you to rise too
Sweetheart I refuse to be unaware of your sufferings
As my mother was to mine.

Your mental health is my priority. (via be-fearless-brave-and-kind)

This is pretty. And true, except it should say father, not mother. my mother was precisely this