I managed to keep safe.
It’s not even just Him, it’s all the things. Like I have to deal with his shit, the fear that comes from disobeying him, be brave and not act on urges and managed other voices/images, eating and not acting on ed thoughts, dealing with therapy and the things I have to talk about there, memories, flashbacks, nightmares.
It just feels like I’m trying to do everything, and something has to give because I’m not strong enough to do all this at once.
I’m trying not to be too stressed about food but it’s hard. I have to have lunch not knowing what I’m doing for dinner and that causes me a lot of anxiety.
Unknown calories and unplanned meals freak me out.
I’m trying to be brave and be okay with this. It’s part of recovery. But I don’t feel very pro-recovery right now.
I can’t take this.
I need to self harm.
I feel so out of control.
I had a subway sandwich for lunch today. All by myself.
And I talked to my physio about the voices and she was really supportive. There has been good and bad today. Bad has been urges to burn from Him. Good has been the little boy being playful.
I’m actually looking forward to dinner.
the notebook problem: you see a notebook. you want to buy the notebook. but you know you have like TEN OTHER NOTEBOOKS. most which are STILL EMPTY. you don’t need to notebook. you’re probably not gonna use the notebook anyway. what’s the point? DONT BUY THE NOTEBOOK. you buy the notebook.
It’s not like I asked for this,
Because why would I ask
For years in hell,
And no way to crawl out
Of the prison that is your mind.
So don’t get mad when I slip,
With a backpack full of demons,
Is often next to impossible.
But I’m trying, I swear.
I just wish you would see that,
and think of it as enough.
Just be proud of my successes…please… (Jaymee)
Your mental health is my priority. (via be-fearless-brave-and-kind)
This is pretty. And true, except it should say father, not mother. my mother was precisely this